Resident Evil: Retribution: Same Ol’ S**t, in 3D!!!

What can’t be said about Resident Evil: Retribution that can’t be understood by it’s trailer? Alice is back, she’s kicking ass, and you have an hour and a half to see her doing wire fu/gun kata violence before your brain explodes.

Resident Evil: Retribution is the fifth movie in Resident Evil movie series, and for once, there’s actually more than a few Resident Evil characters from the game present. In fact, there’s more than a few nods to the game in Resident Evil: Retribution , and while that’s great, it doesn’t excuse one hard fact about this movie: it’s terrible. But if you were expecting more than that, then you clearly haven’t been following the series. Where the last Resident Evil flick felt like it was attempting a narrative (somewhat successfully), Resident Evil: Retribution embraces its B-Movie status and delivers exactly what it does best: nonstop meaningless violence.

If you didn’t catch the last movie, or the one before, or any of them, well, Resident Evil: Retribution is a great time to jump in. Retribution starts with what is actually a pretty awesome opening sequence that made watching it in 3D worth it (for about 3 minutes). This leads directly into a full recap of the entire franchise squeezed into a tidy little four minute package. And this leads directly into the beginning of the movie.

Without spoiling things, the most that can be said about the plot is that this is a celebration of the movie series. Characters come back, monsters abound, bullets fly (sadly, no zombie dogs from the first movie: I was heartbroken). Again, where the last movie made it a point to greatly reduce Alice’s near Godlike abilities (she was beginning to resemble the Phoenix) and showcase a more vulnerable Alice, it’s a little disappointing to see the movie fall right back into its usual trappings and make Alice the queen of special effect mass murders. It’s like going to the Stark Expo and seeing her on display: “See Alice kill! With guns, chains, knives, and her extraordinary ability to never get hurt! See her massacre an entire military facility full of raging zombie monsters, in heels! See her execute, slay, and destroy EVERYTHING! In 3D!”

I said it before and I’ll say it again, the one thing this movie delivers plenty of (if not character development) is action. You can probably count to ten before something insane happens next. But even if you like scores of senseless death, Retribution manages to make it feel mindnumbing after a while. Mundane. Dull. I know logic doesn’t work in this universe, but seeing five men shooting automatic rifles nonstop at a Russian zombie army, never once reloading, and carrying no backpacks, pouches, or anything that could hold spare ammo just seemed ridiculous at some point. And this went on for at least ten minutes. And being that the  only saving grace of this series is its action, you’d expected that they would trysomething new to spice it up. But no, it’s the same exact action sequences you’ve seen in each movie Resident Evil, and hell, every Milla Jovavich movie before.

At least Ultraviolent had color-changing clothes and flaming swords battles.

Ada Wong and Alice: with the power of avoiding bullets while standing in wide open spaces.

And that’s without mentioning the little awkward moments, woodenly-delivered quips and one liners at random moments, and how every character pretty much ignored all of the bad things happening. Someone dies, they shrug, and move on. It was like all of the characters were drugged up before the mission and lost all sense of fear and emotion. There’s one subplot that attempts to deliver some emotion into the story, but besides Milla Jovavich trying to prove she’s still a real actress, none of the other actors believe in lying to us.

When all is said and done, Resident Evil: Retribution gives you what you expected, maybe less. Without spoiling much, Retribution does set up at least one more movie, which looks like it’ll be more of the same ol’ crap we’ve seen before: an excuse for director Wes Anderson to film his wife doing more awesome backflips.


If you want to turn your brain off for an hour and a half, have money to waste, and need a movie to trashtalk while you watch it, go see Resident Evil: Retribution. Otherwise, stay far, far away. I’m pretty sure it kills braincells.

I give Resident Evil: Retribution


Slo-Mo Headshots

Out of 5

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