No Resolutions; But Resolute
2011 was a hell of a year.
Went through trying to figure out my career, seeing my job lost through bankruptcy, having numerous unsuccessful relationships, and going through some of the worst emotional distress I’ve faced since, well, 2010 (that was a bad, bad year too, perhaps worst than ’11). And yet, like any obstacle or opposition, all I could do was overcome it. If there’s one law in this universe that is unshakeable no matter how relatively micro or macro you exist in the scale of being, surviving, adapting, and evolving or the keywords for success.
And yet I still feel uneasy.
I’ve found a new job, getting paid well enough to get by, been overly successful with my small projects, but there’s always that lingering doubt in the back of my head. But these last two years have taught me a lot about myself, an insanely lot about myself, be it my passions, my interests, my personality, and most of all, my faults. I’ve been so hotheated for so long for so many reasons but I’m just too tired of that game. Too tired of being upset or playing politics with people or walking on eggshells. I want more serenity in my mind, even if the world around me rocking out to the end of the world while hurtling toward the sun.
I’ve been introduced to French, Italian, English, American, and philosophies and raised on the best sci-fi fiction cablevision, comic books, and literature could create. I’ve had the fortune to meet some of the most varied people in the world throughout my life, fine-dining with socialites and talking politics and culture and literature at my best, to stuttering gibberish and ranting about why my favorite franchise of the week was awesome to my nerd friends. I’ve been influenced by the artistic, philosophically deep friends who I’ve met in life, and the raunchy, crazy, insane assholes I’ve had the pleasure of making an acquaintance with. I’ve been so divided by so many experiences that in the end I’ve felt so incomplete. A jack of all trades, master of none. I felt like I’ve become an old man, unable to so easily voice my opinions and thoughts without finding my stray thoughts lost in a haze of wandering ideas, memories, and images that leave me speechless or gibbering something incoherent or unfinished. I don’t even feel like me sometimes.
But as time has gone on, I’ve also found myself irresistibly drawn to even newer, better things. I’ve found myself wanting to wrap myself in even more ideas and thoughts, although with a singular purpose, to understand the world even better and use what I learn to do something. To create. To create stories, pictures, music and games and movies if I can. My one passion in life has always been to create, ever since I drew stick figure superheroes under my grandma’s coffee table as a 5 yr old. I want to be create ideas, create worlds, create a way to think more efficiently and positively. I want to create relationships with others like the ones I’ve had already that forge even stronger bonds, even stronger ideas, even stronger worlds. I want to take all of what I’ve seen, be it art, literature, religion, video games, martials arts, politics, or whatever, and consolidate that into a philosophy that is uniquely me. My path. My identity. My way of life.
And so I’ve promised myself not to make any promises about the new year. Not to make resolutions that may get detracted by major events that come and go in our lives. With this idea I’ve finally finished a short story, gone back to a semi-frequent workout when not burned out by work, and gone to catching up on my reading and writing. I’ve made a decision (far different than a promise) to be more resolute in my choices, my long-term goals, my desires, and make of life what I want it to be. To create the world I desire. To create a life I’m proud of. To create time to see more things when I say I want to see them. To create stories when I say I want to write them. To create happiness.
Happy New Years, and here’s hoping we all get what we want most out of life, today, tomorrow, next week, next month, next year, forever.